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Newark Central School District

Every Student, Every Day

Talking with Kids About Death

How to Talk to Kids about Death and Support Them

Discussing death with your kids can be a real concern, and adults may try to avoid it.  Death is however an inevitable part of life and it is our responsibility to ensure our kids are aware of it and know it is okay to discuss it.  Even very young children who may not understand death react to grieving parents. Older children grieve themselves.  If we allow children to talk to us about death, we can give them support, help them when they are upset and encourage communication by showing respect and attention for what they have to say and feel.   We can also make it easier for them to talk to us if we are open, honest and at ease with our own feelings.  As with all grieving, time eventually heals; however, parents need to support children through the grieving process to help them resume their lives.

Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see dead birds, insects, and animals lying by the road. They may see death at least once a day on television or on video games. They hear about it in fairy tales and act it out in their play. Death is a part of everyday life, and children, at some level, are aware of it.  Perhaps we can make it easier for ourselves and for our children if we take a closer look at some of the problems that might make communication difficult.

Communication Barriers: Avoidance, Confrontation

Many of us are inclined not to talk about things that upset us. We try to put a lid on or hide our feelings and hope that saying nothing will be for the best. But, not talking about something does not mean that we are not communicating. Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way that we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say. When we avoid talking about something that is obviously upsetting, children often hesitate to bring up the subject or ask questions about it. To a child, avoidance can be a message, “If Mommy and Daddy cannot talk about it, it must be bad; so, I better not talk about it either.” Or, “I cannot talk about it, because it will only make Mommy or Daddy sadder.” In effect, instead of protecting our children by avoiding talk, we sometimes cause them more worry and keep them from telling us how they feel. The child's fear of the unknown is worse than facing the reality. The child may fantasize and create the worst scenario or an incorrect reality. On the other hand, it is also not wise to confront children with information that they may not understand or want.  As with any sensitive subject, we must seek a delicate balance that encourages children to communicate, a balance between avoidance and confrontation. This balance is not easy to achieve. It involves the following:
 

  • Trying to be sensitive to children's desires to communicate when they are ready
  • Maintaining an openness that encourages children's attempts to communicate
  • Listening to and accepting children's feelings
  • Offering children honest explanations when we are obviously upset
  • Answering questions in simple language appropriate for their age
  • Trying to find brief, simple, and age- appropriate answers to children's questions; understandable answers which do not overwhelm them with too many words. Perhaps most difficult of all, communicating about death involves examining our own feelings and beliefs so that we can talk to our children naturally when opportunities arise.

  • Infants and toddlers do not understand death, but they can sense what their caregiver is experiencing. Take care of yourself and recognize your own need to grieve. Keep as many routines as possible intact. Routine is a protective force for children amid major disruptions.  Avoid separation and provide extra physical attention to comfort your child and enhance his sense of security.

    Some young children might revert to immature behaviors (baby talk or thumb sucking) or become clingy or irritable. Others might act out with angry outbursts. Remember that these changes in behavior are likely manifestations of unexpressed emotions like confusion or frustration.  

  • Preschoolers see death as something temporary. Their misconception is reinforced by cartoons in which characters pop back to life moments after anvils drop on them from the sky. Because young children are concrete thinkers, seeing things exactly as they appear and hearing things literally, it is important that they are told about death in simple, clear language. Do not use euphemisms like, "She has gone to sleep," "…traveled to the great beyond," or "…passed away." These phrases will not be understood and may even generate fears of sleeping or taking long trips. Instead, young children should be told that their loved one has died and "that means we will no longer be able to see her." Be prepared for young children to continue to ask where the deceased is or when they are coming back. Continue to give clear messages, which can be softened with the knowledge that memories last forever. It is up to individual parents, of course, whether they will use religious explanations. For young children, using solely religious explanations may be ineffective because they need much more concrete, specific explanations about the physical realities of death.  In explaining death to young children it is most appropriate to describe death in concrete terms (“I have some sad news to share…grandpa has died;  When someone dies they no longer breathe, eat, or talk to us.  Their body stops working”)

  • School-aged children begin to understand death as a final event but may not understand that it is universal. Give your child simple and honest explanations about what happened and then ask him what he understands. Take time to clear up any misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Young children may need your support to find the words to express their emotions and find ways to help them feel better. Give children repeated opportunities to talk about their feelings. It is more important to listen than to say the perfect words.

    School-aged children also may not yet understand the causality of death. It is common for them to personify death (i.e., think of death as the "boogeyman" or a ghost). They may believe they are to blame and feel guilty for what happened. Assure them that nothing they said or did (or didn't say or do) caused the death and that nothing they do can bring the deceased back.

    Young children may also worry that they will be left alone, especially by the death of a significant adult. When an aunt dies, for example, a young child may ask her mother, "Mommy, when are you going to die?" Don't be surprised if your child becomes cuddlier, more watchful, and more possessive of your time.

    • Remind your child that not everyone who gets sick will die.
    • Reassure him of your health.
    • Let him know how many people in his life care for him.
    • Support children to do things to reduce their anxiety and be sensitive that they may not want to talk or think about the deceased because it is too painful.
    • Take care of yourself and make sure you have support.
    • Help your child remember the person.  Encourage your child to draw pictures or recall or share happy stories about the person.

    Your child is watching you closely. When he sees that you are OK, he becomes more comfortable. This is yet another circumstance in which parents take care of their children by caring for themselves.

    Common reactions to death in school-aged children may include difficulty concentrating in school, problems sleeping, and recurrent thoughts about the death. School-aged children may report physical reactions like stomachaches and headaches, which can be triggered by being in places that remind them of the person who died.

    It is up to you if you want your preschool or school age child to attend funerals or rituals.  You can ask the older child if they want to attend the service.  Allowing children to join in these rituals may help them to process the events.  Tell your child ahead of time what will happen.  For example, “Lots of people who loved grandpa will be there.  We will sing, pray, and talk about grandpa.  People will say things like, I am sorry for your loss.  Some people might cry and hug.  We can say things like, “thank you”, or “I’m glad you’re here.”

  • Adolescents understand death on the same level as adults, but they may be resistant to expressing any emotions about it. Because teens are starting to think abstractly, they may struggle to find meaning in death and may be contemplating larger questions about the purpose of life. As a result, teens may engage in risky activities or experience guilt over being alive or anger over their lack of control over life and death. Be patient, but maintain high expectations for behavior. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression of grief in healthy ways.

    Give your teen several opportunities to talk and support him in finding healthy ways to express his feelings:

    • Sometimes exercise can help reduce tension.
    • Listening to calming music or taking a bath can be relaxing.
    • Writing in a journal, drawing, or other creative outlets can help children and teens express their emotions.
    • Talking to a friend or family member may provide comfort.
    • Model your own healthy coping strategies and show your teen how reaching out for help is an act of strength.

    Teens will likely feel a wide range of emotions surrounding the death, including sadness, anger, guilt, and helplessness. In response, some teens may withdraw, while other teens may engage in risky activities (eg, self-injury, drug or alcohol use). Recognize that these actions are your teen's attempt to regain control and cope with his emotions.